Signs You Have a Dumb Dog

As presented on the 10/19/93 broadcast of Late Show with David Letterman
Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
Buries tail, wags bones
When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products
Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face
Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really thought he'd be a good congressman
Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny horse-and-carriage to come out
Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Belgian Tervuren comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have take me out." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Belgian says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"

Top 20 Reasons Dogs don't Use Computers

20.  Can't stick their heads out of Windows ME

19.  Fetch command not available on all platforms.

18.  Hard to read the monitor with their head cocked to one side

17.  Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit

16.  Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

15.  Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

14.  Involuntary tail-wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com
       instead of working

13.  Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.

12.  Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

11.  Still trying to come up with an "e-motion" that signifies tail-wagging.

10.  Oh but they WILL, with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

9.   Three words:  Carpal Paw Syndrome.

8.   'Cause dogs aren't GEEKS!!  Now, cats, on the other hand.

7.   Barking in the next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition             software.

6.   SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

5.   SIT and STAY were hard enough, but GREP and AWK are out of the
      question!

4.   Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver

3.   Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures, master's leg.

2.   Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms

and the #1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers:

1.   TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo tgYpmE WeljTyH P:AzWqS,.*

(*1.  Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws.)

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99
cents a can.  That's almost $7.00 in dog money."

 

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

 

Life lessons learned from a dog

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

2. Don't go out without ID.

3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.

4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.

5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.

6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.

7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).

8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

How to Make Puppy Pie

How To Make Puppy Pie
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered,
then add the following ingredients.....
1 cup patience....
1 cup understanding....
1 pinch correction....
1 cup hard work....

2 cups praise and 1 1/2 cups fun...
Blend well.
Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until
puppy has doubled in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner
and puppy are one.
Enjoy!

 

 

 

Rules for Dogs Who have a Yard to Protect

Newspapers:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Licking:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The Art of Sniffing:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing:
If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing Cats:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe

 

Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."